Wednesday, April 20, 2005

the first tour

After two long months of training, I've been let loose. I ran our longest tour (3 weeks) involving feluccas, desert treks, camping, long bus rides, jeep safaris, etc. I had 18 people on tour, including honeymooners. Nothing like spending your special non-stop-sex time with a bunch of people who haven't showered in a week.

But I think I should back up. After my two months of training, I was shocked to realize that I didn't get deathly ill (defined as massive loss of fluids through liquid poo or frequent barfing). Lo and behold, I had to go and get sick on Day 1 of the tour.

I made some broccoli earlier that day, using the vegetable steamer my mom was nice enough to send me in my 40lb. care package. It tasted a bit sandy, as if I hadn't cleaned it well enough. Its buds were a bit tighter than usual, I could see how e.coli could get trapped in there. Of course I kept eating it, knowing that I'd probably get sick in a matter of hours -- but I had to cram in a few vitamins before I'd forced to survive on a diet of bread, cheese, and fried non-sense.

At 2am, the cramps started, then the poo came around 2:30, and before I knew it, I was running back to the bathroom, but not fast enough. I projectile barfed all over the wall in the bathroom. Fierce.

As I was crouched over the toilet dry-heaving the rest of that broccoli up, I felt the need to "you-know". So this back and forth of bum on seat, elbows on seat continued for another half-hour, not knowing which was going to expel itself from my body first.

Finally, I mustered up enough energy to drag myself to bed and assess the situation. I thought about calling my friend Shea to come from the Salma Hotel with the Egyptian wonder drug Antinal, but I felt bad waking her up. There was always Shioban who was sharing a bedroom with me, but she was sound asleep.

So what did I do? Wipe off my chin and make sure nothing was creeping out my ass and walked down to the pharmacy to myself. But once I got there, I had to ask for a chair because I could barely stand (the request reminded me of the Hole, in more ways than one). I whispered for something strong and fast.

And it worked. 5 hours and 3 liters of water later I was able to walk again.

The best part though, is that when you vomit a lot, its like doing stomach crunches. Who needs Absolute Power when you have food poisoning? *snap