Friday, December 30, 2005


The reason I had to rush back from America before Christmas was to run a tour that I had requested. It's called our Western Desert tour. I was going to be the first Western tour leader in a couple years to run the tour. It's a difficult one because you need to know Arabic, among other things. was great and all, but I can't believe I came back for this:

On the 2nd day, a girl from Singapore on the tour pulled me aside. She had to speak to me in private. Fierce, I love when people ask for 'private' time so early on in the tour.

She told me she met a random Egyptian man on the street (check) and hung out with him all day (check). Then she went to his house to meet his parents (alright - 3 checks for being an idiot means I have no sympathy for whatever comes next).

He ended up giving her a full body massage which she calls "molestation". I asked if she tried to resist. She said that she didn't because he assured her it was the Egyptian way. At this point, I asked why I was sitting her listening to this.


I asked her if when she was done getting her titties rubbed clockwise, then counterclockwise, if she ran out of the house to the police station, or what.

She said that they continued sightseeing. More specifically, he took her to the pyramids for a camel ride. I guess he didn't massage her enough down there.

It was then that one of her other personalities kicked in and she told the man that she was going to file a police report. So, he paid her $100 to keep her quiet. She took the money.

So, she told me she wanted me to not only go to the police station and file a police report with her, but also to escort her everywhere in Egypt, because she was afraid to leave the hotel.

And she drew me a map of where to find his house so that I could go with her to confront him.

I told her that I would not go to the police station because now she looks like a prostitute. I most definitely was not going to his house. And I told her that the best I could do was sign her off the tour, because I refuse to babysit adults. I didn't sign up for a Special Ed job.

Well, she's still on the tour and has been nothing but trouble.

Not only that, she has the worst acne ever. I'm scared of what the Egyptian guy looked like.

Just another day as a tour leader.

At least haven't gotten diarrhea since I've been back. Still nice and firm.

So. This is her. The worst thing about this picture is that she wears that crazy, Asian-produced make-up that is able to cover up acne. So, she doesn't look so hideous in the picture. Just for the full effect, I did ask her to push her boobs out further. She complied.

To the person that left an anonymous comment about this posting. Thank you for your input on Egyptian men and Southeast Asian women. I think your level of hatred is pretty hilarious - almost as hilarious as my ability to exaggerate reality!

Thursday, December 29, 2005

family time

Family time was good. Parents are handling the divorce rather maturely and my sister seems to be coping well. This here with the necklace I got her made - her name in Arabic. She's working it and looks like a trannie which I kind of dig.

Spent a lot of time lying around and watching television. Project Runway, specifically.

Went and chilled with the grandparents.

First was great-grandma. She looks damn good for 105 years old. Yeah, 105. I got her to smile for the first time ever. I told her to give me some 'sass' for this picture. If this isn't sass, then I don't know what is.

For this one, I told her to imagine being able to chew solid foods. She loved that one.

Grandpa looks great for having beat skin and prostate cancer.

Grandma had her 2nd full face lift, lip injections, neck lipo, and eye job. I was a bit scared to see her in person, since mom showed me the initial camera phone pictures (which I wish I could post because she looks like Amanda Lepore). But, in person it wasn't so bad. She does look TIGHT, ya'll.

How much do these pictures scream CHRISTMAS!

Wednesday, December 28, 2005

balls are a'blow'in

Nicky and I went to the "Bodies: The Exhibition" installation down at the South Street Seaport. Here's some pictures for an initial visual:

Okay, so those are real, human bodies. Life-size, totally not fake. Who cares whether or not the 'artist' purchased, stole, or was willed the bodies from a Chinese morgue in rural China - the exhibit was TFO (total fierceness overload).

It was a big exhibit - took us 2 hours (we were moving quickly). But there weren't many people there. The people that were there were obviously in the medical profession and/or weren't thrill-seekers. Afterall, the ticket was $20odd. We were all getting up close and personal with the exhibits.

Pretty much every disorder was accounted for on the plasticized, flayed, or dissolved bodies. One thing Nicky and I learned about was a disorder where a tumor grows inside your body. This tumor is a hog-pog of different cells (skin, hair, teeth) all in one clump. Imagine a Gremlin gone wrong.

We were both flabergasted, so I asked my mom/nurse about this. She had a friend with this growth!!! It really does happen.

Some other things that kept the party going: all of the rectum's still had hair on them (no other parts of the body did) and the industrial air-conditioning caused a few testicles to blow in the wind.

An enlightening aspect of the exhibit was the 'baby room'. They had fetuses for every month, as well as siamese twins, and other oddities. A) I think its weird that he was able to find all these fetuses B) It's amazing to see just how quickly you're able to distinguish human life from a tadpole. It gets you thinking about abortion. I think it's bound to get us pro-choicers thinking about abortion.

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

piles are a'blow'in

So, I went back to NYC for Christmas. Well, not actually Christmas - but "Christmas Time". This is what happens when you work in a Muslim country for a Muslim boss. Just like I don't understand what it means to endure Ramadan, they don't get that being home for December 25th is not the same as being home for Dec 24th.

The flight wasn't terribly exciting. KLM. Relatively on-time. Lots of food and movies to pick from. I arrived in NYC, originally all jazzed about going and seeing everyone, getting wasted the good 'ol NYC way, etc. But once I landed, I kind of wanted to turn around and go back. Just the stresses of having to see a million people in only 10 days and knowing there'd be no 'vacation' in my vacation turned me off.

I was supposed to call Marian and let her know when I landed so that she could plan her evening. My original intention was just to borrow someone's mobile phone to make a call, instead of running around looking for quarters (since I threw all mine away when I got to Egypt). I asked 3 people and they all said NO
. Some hocus pocus about stealing people's numbers and charging them a lot of money. I know it goes on in England with the pay-as-you-go type phones, but not in America. Maybe I had been away for a while.

So, I asked the toll booth to break a dollar for me. Girl wasn't having any of that. "What do I loooook like, a bank?" No, she didn't. She looked more like a double-wide trailer.

I should've known (based on previous experiences with Marian), that once I got to the apartment, I wouldn't be going to bed for many hours. We ran off to one party/bar after another and before I knew it, I was absolutely trashed. It just happens sometimes.

While at The Cock at 330am, Marian reminded me that we had to meet "Karen" about the sublet my dad would be staying in while he helped me move all my crap from Manhattan Mini to Michigan. We had arranged a 4am rendevouz
with Karen since she'd be up late doing "work stuff." I had to have Marian talk to her on my behalf when we picked up the keys. All I could mutter were a few arabic words to our latino taxi driver. I was in no shape to converse with Ms. Karen.

When Nicky and I (along with my father) went to go find Karen's apartment a couple days later, I couldn't remember where is was. So, I walked up and down the block trying keys in all the doors. Blackout central.

My time in NYC was good. It was nice seeing everyone - Molly and Whitney (both still thin & fabulous), the Lowe ladies (still willing to get sloshed with me), the Asian contingent and Marie (still living in an economic bracket that I'll never reach), Nicky (still working it in Westchester), and of course Marian (working it with a *snap).

But, I don't miss NYC, in general. Which I guess is good - I guess I made the right decision.

I wish I could've documented my time in NYC - but my camera was MIA.