Friday, July 28, 2006

vag heat

My female, advanced-level English student told me the other day,

"If I had the opportunity to kill George Bush, Hosni Mubarak or King Abdullah, I would. All Muslims hate America and Americans. But we hate the Jews even more. They should all die."

Then she asked me if I was annoyed by all the hate people have for my nation. How am I supposed to respond to this woman?

In lighter news, a man walked into a lamp pole and fell onto car today because he was staring at me, not watching where he was going. Tool.

Monday, July 24, 2006

from the back to the gunt

Oh girl. It's been a whirlwind of a week.

The teacher who said all cinemas should be banned because of male-female hanky panky told me that he wants a second wife. Of course I asked what one looks for in a second wife - I mean, there must be something that wife #1 isn't providing, right? He requires that she be between 13 and 22 (years old, that is). Because their boobs are nice, their butt is nice, and their front is something that I didn't care to look up in the dictionary. According to him, it's all downhill once you reach 22. Even though I'll co-sign that post-22 is the pits, like ew. And I shit you not, he wanted me to compare and contrast sex in the Middle East with sex in America - you know, since we're all ho-bags. Totally called it - perv central.

Today, push totally came to shove and I was forced to use the 'hepatitis hose' on my ass at the public squat toilet. I've refused to use the spray-hose for 19 months now, but sometimes you're not carrying tissues and you've really REALLY got to let it out. Even though I could feel the typhoid, cholera, and Hepatitis A/B/C penetrating my fragile anal lining, it was a rather pleasant experience. Not wiping is the best. But, at least with wiping, you know when to stop wiping. I wasn't sure how long I should marinate my bung hole in disease. And, walking around with a wet ass is majorly retarded - there should at least be an air-dryer.

I'm trying to plan a trip to Iran (among a million other countries) before I return to the States in December. Americans are not allowed to travel in the country unchaperoned - you need a tour, a babysitter, or something else that's a poor excuse to swindle money out of us 'rich Americans'. Since I really want to go and the fact that 'peace in the Middle East' isn't in our near future, I'm going to shell out the bucks. I sent out non-bitchy emails and these are the cunty responses I got. I know I'm the Big Satan (I can say that in Farsi now), but take a chill pill you fucking bitches.

* most guides don’t accept especially the American tourist ( they are a few and they can accept better tour rather than hard tour )

* you can contact other travel agencies they may have guides

* you think this is nightmare, you should see what we need to do in order to travel to USA! first of all there is no tourist visa for Iranian to State and if there is one then we must take more than 10 Kg of documents and papers to show to embassy

Maybe you should just have a cocktail. Oh, wait.

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

kirstie alley

I have a confession to make: I've become one of those people that steal other people's food from communal kitchens. I can't help myself. I ate someone's pint of ice cream last night.

In other news. I kind of let a big, fat, gay, Middle Eastern secret slip today during my Arabic class. My teacher told me that he thinks movie theaters should be forbidden (around the world) because men and women sit next to each other in the dark and all of the movies they show have some sort of sexual element to them. I alerted him to the fact that the combination of men and women is probably a lesser evil when compared to what goes on when men are sitting together. It's common knowledge (in certain circles) that there's a few movie theaters in North Africa that cater to men with, shall we say, a taste for jizz. A more often than not, these men are self-proclaimed Muslims, married, and have children.

He was absolutely shocked, ended class early, and now questions how I know such things. I'm not concerned about any of this. This is a man who says he's never watched a film before (not even on television) - only sports and the news. He's a nice man, but I'm sorry - anyone that can't discern between entertainment and reality shouldn't be trusted. These are always the guys that have their dicks jammed through holes at truck stops anyway.

Monday, July 17, 2006

you want it where?

I totally just had the most bizarro burkah experience. I was riding the micro-mini-bus home from my second job (hello, multi-tasking) and the burkah next to me said that she'd pay my fare. And I was all, ''You want it where?'' and she was all, "I want you to cum in my hair."

This is where I catch the bus - Bab al Yemen. Dudes congregate outside and stare at each other. Once in a while they'll sell a robe to someone that doesn't already have a thousand of them.

I don't get it. She was a true Yemeni, but was she a true prostitute or just being nice? She was very interested in the NGO I work for, so I gave her the web address. But I didn't give her my email - which I'm not regretting. I kind of freaked since I've been brainwashed in this short time to think a la Yemeni. She could have been a great contact for Yemen's underbelly. But then she threw in, "I'll visit you at your work.'' I have a feeling this isn't the last I'll be seeing of Fatina (NOT Fatima!, she shrieked).

The past couple of days have been interesting.

I went to my teacher's wedding. He's 28 and therefore over-the-hill. He was so giddy in class about his new wife of whom he's only seen a handful of times sans burkah. I was sure to ask him if he had any, you know, 'sex questions.' He was shocked and appalled. I was like, oh gurl, don't even.

The wedding itself was very reminiscient of a Lower East Side hipster bar. Lots of people sitting around in fancy clothes, not talking, looking extremely bored. The only difference is that everyone had huge goiters on their faces. Okay, not goiters, but huge balls of pulverized qat in their cheeks. And they weren't bored - they just had the classic, gormless, Yemeni stare. Basically, I sat around for 4 hours listening to some guy wail in Arabic, attempting not to swallow the qat (of which has caused a massive sore in my mouth), and speaking English to a throng of people 'fascinated by foreigners' (this is how they were introduced to me). All in all, an experience that I won't jump at the chance of re-living anytime soon. Especially since the mild narcotic kept me awake all night, and we all know how I need my sleep.

Bored Yemenis:

My teacher pointing at my fierceness:

The groom, my teacher. He smelled like a $2 prostitute with all those perfume-soaked flowers around the neck. I told him that, too. He already knows my looney tunes.

Then I went to another teacher's house for a group lunch with the other students. Thank god the most annoying students were out of town. I was able to stuff my face in relative peace and quiet since everyone was too scared to speak their shitty Arabic in front of each other. The students are very competitive this year - so what level are you in? The hot pink one.

The food was de-lish. The highlight was a chocolate cake, drenched in honey, covered with whipped cream and M&Ms that had been precariously perched on top of a Jell-o mold! A Jell-o mold! I totally had a high-fashion, Janice Dickinson photoshoot with that nonsense. Nobody else was as impressed by its retardedness as I was. Idiot faces. I was so full that I had to excuse myself and lay down in the other room until my dress dropped. I mean, the food dropped.

Spot the cake, ya'll.

And I've scored another job. I teach (let's use that term mildly) English to university students at an English language institute. Um. Basically, I get paid to sit around and converse with people that already speak English. Since I'm American, and therefore slutty/evil, they want me to come up with 'hot topics' for each class so they can figure out how terrible hell is going to be for me. My last topic was 'Honor Killings - How to look fierce while your father is drowning you in the swimming pool he bought with laundered oil money'. I actually got a few of the students to start thinking about what an honor killing actually is - and if, maybe (just maybe), there may be a better way to punish people than by lining up and throwing rocks at their heads.

I know a lot of people think all Arabic/Middle Eastern women are brainwashed. But based on my experiences, I've only witnessed the contrary. Not anymore. Let me tell you, there are a few brainwashed ones out there. I was told two classes ago by a woman that her gender is not mentally-capable to hold a challenging job. I've heard this from men, but to hear a woman say it has a totally different impact.

She just needs a 'lil deep dickin'.

Tuesday, July 04, 2006

no, the girl in the other burkah

I've positioned myself in the window of the internet cafe today, because there is some dude in a crop top that I must capture on film. I'm prepared to put up with all the hoots & hollers that I'll get in this seat, but the end result will be so worth it. Nothing like a little Yemeni belly-button to get me all hot-and-bothered. Work it!

So, apparently, I'm employed now? I had an interview today at It's an NGO for women and children. Basically helping provide basic school-type education, technical training, reproductive health information, and working with street kids who peddle their bodies for 10 cent blowjobs. It was clear that I was hired before I even walked into the door - I guess my 5 sentence, mass-email did the trick. But, I'm not complaining. It seems like a great, grass-roots-type company and all of the people that work there are fabulous.

Or are they? Because I wouldn't actually know. It's all burkah-ed women. I guess the receptionist wasn't able to alert the ladies quickly enough that a penis was coming into the building. When I entered, I heard shrieks and stomping around - saw veils being pulled off of chairs and being hastily tied across faces. Since I'm a fellow gurl, I don't really see what the big deal is. But, I'm an ambassador for my wonderful country, so I decided to be culturally-sensitive and turn around. It was totally awkard. I really feel like a Madonna power-mix, some guacamole, a few helium-filled balloons, and an old-fashioned bump-and-grind dance party is called for. But guaranteed, based on what this country is all about, at least one of the women would be put in front of a firing squad if word got out. Maybe a limbo contest, instead?

Not too clear as to what my position will be since the director said, and I quote, "You can do whatever you want and we'll pay you." I was like, "Um, like, are you ladies looking for hot beef injections or are you being serious?" And she was all, "No, gurl, you can work it, it'll be be fierce." And I was like, "Alright, high-five me bitch, you're fierce. Let's teach ladies how to sew mini-skirts and let kids know that condoms are for penises, not for making balloon animals." Then we bounced hips and high-fived one more time, just cause.

As if. She wouldn't even shake my hand. But she did get really close when I couldn't figure out how to work the tea-dispenser. Risky business.

But then she ended the meeting on a sad note. She said that she liked me because I like to have adventures. Then she went on to say that she wasn't, as a Yemeni woman, allowed to have adventures. She hopes to hear about my travels some day.

The longer I'm here, the more confused I get. I used to think I had the Islamic world all figured out. But it's clear I don't. It'll be interesting to see what sort of information these ladies will give me in the coming months compared to what my male teachers tell me about Yemeni life during our lessons. Don't worry, I'll be sure to report back all the nitty gritty details.

PS. Girls are completely forbidden to straddle a bicycle seat - let alone peddle it. Must keep the hymen intact for the wedding night. I don't know how to say a lot of stuff in Arabic, but I can say 'hymen'. Thanks be to God.